Tuesday, April 2, 2013


That number represents the amount I lost on my first day as a full time poker player.  

I started off playing at the 1-2 NLHE table while I waited to be called to the 2-5. It was a new table and Brian happened to be sitting in seat 1 while I played from seat 8.  

Surprisingly, he plays very similar to Brad. His VPIP was 90% and of those hands, he C-bet 99% of the flops. That guy is a total LAG with zero thought to position or players in the hand. His style of play was to run over the table with any two cards and I must admit, that approach was working quite well because everyone was too scared to fight back and 3-bet. They either just folded or check/called and let him get there.  

It was incredible to see a full time poker pro play that reckless at a poker table but that style would never work at  2-5 NLHE because he would be eaten alive trying that shit.
Now I understand why he plays the lower limits most of the time.  

Anyways, I played 1:15 hours before getting called over to 2-5. I left stuck at that table for $103.00 

I sat down at the 2-5 table with $497.00 and wasted a seat for the next 4:46 hours. I finally got dealt 10J in the cutoff & raised to $20.00. I got two callers & we saw the following flop…

It ended up a 3-way, all-in flop which bloated the pot to $1600.00. The turn was 2c and the river Qc.

Believe it or not, I didn't swear, spit or piss on anybody's leg. I just got up quietly & went home.

I gotta find a new job.

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Wheel of Fortune

I had a dream that I won a spot on the Wheel of Fortune & it went something like this… 

“I’m Pat Sajak & this is The Wheel of Fortune. Let’s start off by introducing the contestants. Our first gentleman is Mike ‘HipHop’ Myers from Brooklyn, Ohio. Hi Mike, what do you do for a living?” 

“I win” 

“Excuse me?” 

“I win” 

“Alrighty then. What are your hobbies?” 

“I stick horseshoes up my ass” 

“Let’s move on to our next contestant & his name is Brad L. from Cleveland, Ohio. Hi, Brad. What kind of interests do you have?” 

“My only real interest is to cram my liberal hippy views down anybody’s throat who will listen to me.” 

“Uh, sorry?” 

“For example, I think we should all win prizes & money on this game show. It’s not fair to have one winner. Let’s just chop it five ways & call it a day. What do you think about that, Patty?” 

“Our next contestant is “Eskimo” from North Olmsted. Hello there, tell us something about you.” 

“Well, I’m listed in the Guinness Book of World Records” 

“No kidding! What is the record you are credited with?” 

“I have been on the most, non-repeating dates with the most women in a single year” 

“Are you proud of that?” 

“Well, ya. I hold the world record, don’t I?” 

“Standing next to Eskimo is Andrew ‘Caveman’ Revy. Can you tell us something about yourself?” 

“I sell overpriced goods to unsuspecting customers & tell them it’s for a good cause” 

“What do you do in your free time?” 

“I play poker like a fucking idiot & convince myself that I’m really good” 


“Our last contestant is Jeff ‘Grayday’ Gray. Mr. Gray is that a beer you are holding?” 

“Absolutely not” 

“Please put it behind the table.” 

“Are you married?” 

“No but I would really like it if Eskimo would give me some of those girls numbers whom he has dated. How about it Eskimo?” 

“I would really like to Grayday but unfortunately, every single one of them have changed their number & I have no way of getting a hold of them” 

“What about an address or two?” 

“This might sound hard to believe but every single one of them have since moved to undisclosed locations as well” 


The memory of my dream fast forwarded to the heart of the contest & I recall the following letters for the clue, “Synonyms”. The words happen to be FROG TOAD.  

F_ _ _    T_ _ _ D 

“Mr. Gray spun $600, what letter would you like?” 

“I would like to solve the puzzle. FUCK TARD” 

“Sorry, that is not it. Mike, go ahead & spin” 

“$200. Would you like to buy a letter?” 

“I want to solve it. I AM GREAT” 

“Uh, that’s not it. Brad, you are next”

“For $1000, would you like to buy a letter?” 

“I can’t afford it because I’m from a disadvantaged environment. Can I get some government assistance so I’m able to purchase a letter?” 

“You have $1000 in front of you” 

“I’m gonna use that for a big screen tv” 

“Caveman, go ahead & spin. For $100, what would you like to do?”

“I’ll give it a try. SHOP AT CONSTANTINO’S” 

My alarm clock then went off at the crack of noon and I never got too finish my dream. Oh well, I guess I can only imagine.




Thursday, October 25, 2012

If I were To See a Shrink Part II

“Mr. Gray, you seem to have a pretty negative outlook on life. Tell me three things you are grateful for.” 

“Well, for one, nobody has called me out of the blue claiming to be my kid”

“That’s not what I had in mind”

“My ex-wife never found out about my stash while we were still married”

“You hid money from your wife?”

“I’m also grateful that my felony charge got reduced to a disorderly conduct”

“I’m not even going to ask. Let’s move on. Do you consider your self a cultured person?”


“Do you have any friends of different ethnic backgrounds?”

“I’m friends with Chasity”

“That’s great! What is her nationality?”

“I think she is Mexican”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because she’s always drinking my Coronas and after a late night of drinking, she eats at Taco Bell on the way home”

“When is the last time you took a vacation and just got away for a while?”

“Last week I went to Tomon’s cottage in Marblehead

“It’s great that he trusts you enough to use his place for your own use”

“He doesn’t know about it”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I break into it when I know they aren’t going to be there & I hang out for a couple days”

“Oh my gosh! Aren’t you worried about getting caught?”

“Hell ya. I almost did one time when they pulled up to the place while I was inside”

“Did you think they were going to see you run off?”

“No, the room still smelled like weed from the bong I smoked earlier”

“We really have some work to do Mr. Gray”

“Let me ask you this, are you able to get a good nights sleep? Do you have any dreams?”

“I had one the other day”

“Tell me about it”

“It’s actually a reoccurring one. I dream that I go to Julie’s poker tournament and pull behind Scott’s car to block him in. I then take a bucket of cigarette butts & throw them all over her driveway. After that, I pee in her flower bed & then go inside to play cards without washing my hands”

“What do you think is the significance of your dream?”

“It means I hate tournaments”

“You mentioned earlier that you aren’t very active. Are there any outdoor activities you would like to get more involve in?”

“Sure. I like golf, horseshoes, cornhole, canoeing & camping”

“It concerns me that the activities you mentioned are generally in conjunction with alcohol & I don’t think you need any more encouragement than you already have. What about indoor activities?”

“Poker, darts, bowling & billiards”


“Is there anybody in your life who you would like to get to know better?”

“No, but one person I’m not sure I want to know better is Doug Poker”

“Why not?”

“I think he has a lot of skeletons.”

“You mean he has a lot of dark secrets?”

“No. I think he has bodies buried in his back yard.”

“His girlfriend Kirsten treats people with sleep disorders but I think she is the one with the disorder.”

“Why do you say that?”

“I think she is too petrified to close her eyes at night when he is in the same room. I heard that the only time she sleeps is when she goes to her patients homes”

“How does she manage that?”

“Well, she hooks them up to all these monitors to measure their REM sleep cycles. As soon as they get to stage three, she’s out like a light.”

“Is there anybody in your life who you would like to trade places with?”

“Before my buddy Brad got a job, I wanted to be him.”

“What was so great about his life?”

“He lived in his parent’s house & his day consisted of six things.”

“What was that?”

“Waking, baking, eating, shitting, surfing & napping.”

“That’s no way to live your life.”

“The hell it isn’t.”

“Our time is up & I need to regroup. We will meet again next week Mr. Gray.”

To be continued…

Friday, October 19, 2012

If I were to see a Shrink Part I

The other day I was in a funk and wondered how the conversation would go if I were to see a shrink. Here’s how I see it playing out…

“Hello Mr. Gray, what brings you here today?”

“I don’t know, I’m fuck’n pissed off all the time”

“I’m sorry to hear that. Maybe I can help. Let’s start off with a little background information first?”

“What do you like do in your spare time?”

“Drink beer and play poker”

“Ummm, alright. What else?”

“That’s it.”

“Why don’t you tell me about your friends. Who do you like to hang out with?”

“Well, they aren’t really my friends. We just get together so I can try & take their money, and they like inviting me over to get my money, especially after having a beer or twelve”

“Is there anybody you like to do things with outside of cards?”

“Krazy Mike is alright. The only thing is, he likes to go to these concerts & watch really, really old fucks play music. Do you know who Peter Frampton is?”

“Isn’t he dead?”

“Exactly, but no.”

“What else to you two do?”

“Whatever it is, we can’t be riding in the car for a long time”

“Why is that?”

“If I hear ‘I Can’t Explain’ or’ Pinball Wizard’ one more time, I’ll clock him. Short drives minimize that from happening”

“Do you have any girlfriends”


“Any girls in your card group you like?”

“KTina seems cool, but it just wouldn’t work out”

“Why is that?”

“Because she doesn’t drive”

“I don’t see why that should be an issue”

“I’m not gonna haul her dead ass all over town every day. Most of the time, I’m the one that needs a driver! Just last week I needed a ride to the store after polishing off an eighteen pack and couldn’t find anybody to take me”

“What did you need at the store?”

“More beer duhmie”

“Is there anybody in your circle of friends you can confide in?”

“Well, if you asked me that a year ago, I would have said TK. Not any more”

“What changed?”

“He has a fuck’n raised garden”

“I don’t follow you”

“I think he’s gay”

“How does a garden make someone gay?”

“He posts pictures on Facebook of all the shit that he grows”


“The last post he was showing off all the long, thick, dark carrots that, in his own words, took him two hands to pull out of the ground. I’m really thinking of dfriending him.”

“Do you do anything that would be considered a physical activity?”

“Hell no”

“Maybe that should be something to consider. Do you have any friends that play sports or are active in any way?”

“Well, there’s Nautica Brian, but that wouldn’t work out either.”

“Why not?”

“Because I refuse to be friends with Forrest Gump. All that fucker does is run!”

“This is more difficult than I anticipated. Do you have any friends that you met outside of poker. Somebody you might have a different bond with?”

“I knew JASE1 before poker. There is no way in hell I can hang out with that guy”

“I can’t wait to hear this. Go on”

“That fucker has every thug & low life in town out for his ass. He corners them into outrageously high interest loans & then repo’s their cars when they miss a payment. I’m not gonna get caught up in the cross fire when they come after him through the back entrance of a bar with baseball bats. No siree”

“Is there anybody in your group who you consider a mentor. Somebody you would turn to for their expert opinion. Maybe for legal advice, for example?”

“There is this broad by the name of Jen but it would have to be very limited topics”

“What is the problem there?”

“She’s a Feminazi. You know, a man hater”

“I don’t think that’s a very nice thing to say”

“The woman is a divorce attorney! It’s us versus them! In fact, I could have sworn I heard her whisper something under her breath one time while playing cards. It really got me upset too”

“What was that?”

She said, “I wish I knew your wife back in the day when she was looking for an attorney”

“Well, I find that hard to believe”

“I’m just saying”

“There must be somebody you know who you could just sit on a couple lawn chairs with & shoot the breeze, right?”

“There is somebody like that & his name is Tom D.V. but sitting on lawn chairs is ALL we can do”

“What do you mean?”

“That guy has no money! In fact, he is so broke that homeless people throw change at him!”

“Oh boy”

To be continued…

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

I Got Banned!

I logged into my Zynga Poker site after I got home tonight, as I do every night that I’m not playing real cards, & found this fuck’n message...

Policy Violation Warning

Your account has been banned

Your poker account has been disabled.
If you believe this is an error, please contact customer support to request reactivation.

Are you kidding me? I just built my roll up to over $1,000,000,000 after three months of multi-tabling & 50,000 hands, then you pull this move???

What is wrong with you people?

Let me guess…It was that broad that I told to “Go back into the fuk’n kitchen where you belong”, wasn’t it? Well, in my defense, her avatar showed her standing naked while holding a frying pan and smoking a cigarette. Big fuck’n deal.

Wait a minute. Was it that redneck from Alabama? I can’t help it if he can’t play cards nor take a joke. All I asked him was, “What do you call a bunch of tractors parked in front of McDonalds on a Friday night in Alabama?...Prom”

Ya gotta admit, that’s funny, right?

Can I get my account back now, you fuckers?
I know your monitors warned me about my language months ago, but I got better. Instead of calling your wannabe cardplayers assholes, fuck tards, dick fucks or faggots, I learned to modify my communications so as not to piss off your upstanding, attentive security personnel. My verbiage was updated to words like assshoe, fuk terd, dik fuk & feygit. Technically, I wasn’t swearing so what is the fuck’n problem?

Give me my $1,000,000,000.00 back you coks!

Sorry, I didn’t mean it. Can we start over? If you only knew how many hours I logged into this free site so I can accomplish nothing, win nothing & earn nothing. I have friends that want nothing to do with me because of you guys. In fact, some of them have paid off their markers with Zynga points. My mother started calling me Jeffy in public. I got an Angry Birds stuffed animal on my birthday. When I ask for something light at the Moosehead saloon, they give me skim milk. It’s not funny any more.

I’ll tell you what. If you don’t give me my account back right away, I’m gonna sign up under a new name and new account.

Say hi to your newest member…FUKUZYNGAFEYGITFUKTERDS

Wednesday, September 12, 2012


I took my mother out to dinner for the hell of it and we went to Outback Steakhouse in Westlake. I talked her into going there because they have the best steaks in town. In reality, there is a broad that works the late shift that I was working on pretty hard, if you know what I mean. She said I have almost no chance in hooking up with her so I’m gonna keep coming back.  

Anyways, my mother walked in to find me already sitting down and asked how long I was there for. “Not long, maybe two hours. I just wanna work up an appetite. How you doin?” 

She had something under her arms.

“What’s that?” 

“A gift” 

“What for?” 

“I picked it up at a county fair” 

She handed me the fuck’n sign and I wasn’t amused.  

“Did that crazy Mike put you up to this shit?” 

“No. Who is crazy Mike?”

“He’s an asshole. Don’t worry about it. Was it Hip?” 


“Was he wearing a shirt with his girlfriend’s picture on the front?” 


“Damn, then it wasn’t that fuck’n freak” 

The waitress came around and took our drink order and I looked at the menu in the meantime, pretending to want some food. “The chicken sounds really good tonight, maybe I’ll get that.” Whatever. 

“Mom, you gotta tell me who put you up to this shit because it’s not funny” 

“Let me ask you this, have you been to The Horseshoe lately?” 

“Yes, why? I went the other day with my bridge club” 

“Did you run into a bald, crazy eyed dealer who looks like uncle Fester from the Adams Family?” 

“There was a friendly gentleman like that dealing the blackjack table. Why?” 

“Fuck me mom! Did Brad put you up to this shit?”  

“No! I told you I bought it at the fair! Why are you so upset?” 

“You tell Brad, I’m gonna spill a Corona all over his table the next time I see him!” 

“Thanks for the gift mom. I really don’t lose all my money like people tell you. I really don’t. It’s just that I get unlucky at times and they make me drink a lot more than I want to. Some of them make me smoke weed” 

“Oh Jeff, that’s very disappointing” 

“It’s out of my hands mom. What do you want me to do?” 

“By the way, did Doug poker say anything to you when he came over to look at your furnace?” 


“You know…the bald, crazy eyed freak like Brad, only a bigger build and with an exposed ass crack.” 

“Your friend Doug? He was a gentleman, be nice” 

“What did he say about me?” 


“No more meeting anybody I know, they are a bad influence on you. How is your steak?” 

“Very good, and your bread?” 

“I’m fuk’n full. Let’s get the fuck out of here.”

Sunday, September 9, 2012


Since I don’t have a wife, kids or a girl that will sleep with me for free, I do a lot of things on my own by default, but it can be embarrassing at times. For example, I like going to the movie theatre but dread going up to the ticket counter and buying one ticket to “Finding Nemo 3d” for a 45 year old freak in sneakers and baseball cap. In fact, I was paranoid the day I went to see “Dark Knight Rising” because I would have fit the recently famous, Colorado terrorist M.O. perfectly if I was only wearing a fanny pack.  

Anyways, I like to go out to restaurants a lot and shoot the shit with servers while eating my meal at the bar. One of my favorite restaurants is a Mexican chain called Don Ramos. If you ask me, all Mexican restaurant’s food tastes the same and their establishments look the same so why don’t they just all band together and form a Mexican franchise so they can pool their revenues and not have to worry about trying to be different.  

The servers at these places are by far, the friendliest people I have ever met. You would think I was a high roller at the Horseshoe the way they looked after my every need. They never say no to anything! I am almost tempted to spring on the owner a classic Blues Brothers line, “How much for your daughter?” 

So I went to Don Ramos tonight and I was the only person in the place because they were 30 minutes from closing. Nfl highlights were playing on the big screen but everything was in Spanish. I noticed the music was playing in Spanish and I wondered if my Shazam Iphone app would pick it up. Sure as shit, it did! 

The can of worms is now open! 

Every time an employee walked by, I would make a comment referencing the band as well as the song. 

“Hey amigo, how do you like Grupo G? La Iconforme is an awesome Tune!” 

“How do you know Grupo G?” 

“They rock! Can I have some more queso?” 

Several minutes would go by and another server would walk by. 

“Hey amigo, Roberto Tapia for president! Mirando Al Cielo makes my senorita’s heart melt” 

As soon as I said that, this guy stopped dead in his tracks and looked at me with a bug eyed, deer in the headlights expression. Partly because he was surprised that, that shit came out of my mouth, and partly because I chopped it up so bad. 

I really sounded more like. “hey amiga dude, Roberti tapioca for president! Miranda ill sello makes my sineridiots heart melt” 

Ten minutes later, I walked up to the counter, paid my $6.00 tab and shouted out as loud as possible while pushing open the front door, 

 “Geraldo Ortiz is my hero”