AA versus any 9

I don’t usually post badbeat stories because it’s the same as when you have a cramp in your leg. The person you are bitching and crying to act like they give a shit but all they really want to do is swipe you from your feet and watch you squeal in even more agony than before.

Anyhow, I have a cramp in my leg and you are going to listen.

Two sessions ago, I sat down at the Shitshoe 2-5 NLHE game. I bought in for $300.00 and I was sober as a lifer, 20 days into solitary confinement. I NEVER play my hands slow at these fukin places because there are too many retards who want to see flops for cheap. I wake up with AA early on and was first to act. I open for $25.00 and get raised to $75.00(duchebag). The raiser gets three callers before it gets back to me. Fuck that, I push for $375.00 and get one caller who has the same stack as I do. WTF?

Do you know that fukin idiot calls off $400.00 with 99? What a fuk tard! He hit his third nine on the flop and I am off to the cage for more chips. What an asshole.

I proceeded to waste a seat for the next four hours and fold almost every hand dealt to me, until…another dealer decides to give me AA. “Thank you dealer, I will not disappoint you.” I raise the straddle, make it $60.00 to go and see a flop with one customer. I look down at 9Q4 rainbow and push for another $300.00 only to find that I ran into 99 for a flopped set. REALLY???

-$700.00. Potential winnings +$1700.00

Let’s fastforward to tonight’s session. I played for less than one orbit when this fukin idiot plops his chips down and was first to act before he even sits in his seat. He makes a speech to the dealer along the lines of “why don’t we get this game going” and proceeds to throw in $20.00. What a fucking asshole. That’s not even a big bet at 2-5 you cock.

I make it $100.00 with AA and he looks at me like I insulted his husband. Anyways, he calls and we see a flop of 9Q2 rainbow. He checks, I push, and he calls. Do you know what that fuk tard had?

9J.

Do you know what came on the river?

9.

-$1500.00 potential winnings +3600.00

The very next hand he opens for $20.00, I make it $100.00 with 97 and he asks the following, “it’s going to be like that?” I said “fuck off”, and he asked me if I want to take it into parking lot.  20 minutes later, the cops escorted both of us out of the place for being abusive and threatening. 

I can’t wait for the next person to come up to me and bitch about a pinched nerve in their neck!

My Birthday is Coming Up!

I haven’t blogged in a while because I have had nothing very interesting to say poker related. I can’t remember most of my sessions to begin with, I could give a shit about hand histories and if it wasn’t for a poker AP on my duhmie phone, I wouldn’t be able to recall if I won or lost any session. Hell, I ran into a couple players last night that called me by my nickname & I had no fuckin idea who they were. I just waved my hand like the pope would do, gave them a big ole smile like the president would do and whispered under my breath like a pissed off Grayday would do, “how you do’in you fukin idiots?” not realizing that my table was listening and who proceeded to bust out laughing.  

Anyways, I currently got about eight beers in me, three glasses of merlot & 1-1/2 lbs of spaghetti with meatballs from Carrabas restaurant in Westlake(They said I’m allowed back, but on strict probation). I am now sitting on the couch watching Dave Matthews Blu-Ray concert with a Corona by my side and crooked eye glasses hanging by a hair on my nose. You have no idea how hard it is to write this blog instead of playing Zinga poker. I am the fukin Zinga poker king you bitches! Bow down to The Grayday Mr. 1,000,000,000 points! 

I’m gonna set some goals this year for my birthday. Here we go…

1. Live until I go to Vegas
2. Don’t get arrested
3. Hook up with a girl that I don’t have to pay for
4. Do something other than poker
5. Get rid of that nasty rash!

I gotta go play some Zinga poker bitches!

What a lovely hand!

So I am sitting in Rivers Casino, minding my own business when lo and behold, the generous poker dealer decides to give me AA from under the gun. I wanted to thank the gentleman right then and there but I didn’t think it would be appropriate. Instead, I put my head down and nudged three $5.00 chips into the middle of the pot. Wouldn’t you know it? The gratuitous neighbor on my left decides to contribute $30.00 to the Grayday fund. How thoughtful of him.

I was in disbelief when my friend two doors down, then proceeded to give his WHOLE savings to the Grayday fund in the amount of $180.00. “Thank you sir, you are very kind and the donation will be put to good use. God bless”

When the action came to me, I felt obligated to show my commitment to this good cause and matched all donations for another $180.00. There are some very devotional people in this world and I am blessed to come into their presence.

My first neighbor then decides to reciprocate and put’s HIS whole savings into the basket in the amount of another $160.00. “You are a gentleman and a scholar. Your good deeds will not go unnoticed”.

My philanthropic friends then tabled their cards in which I will now present in picture form from that glorious day.

“I just want to thank my ex-wife and kids I never had, for if it wasn’t for you, I would never have made it here to this glorious day. I also want to thank the publishers of “Poker for Duhmies” for your determination in teaching me hand rankings. I also want to thank the Cerveceria Modelo brewery for producing their line of Corona Extra beverages. It is your commitment to this brand that enabled me to grind through incredibly long sessions at a table without getting discouraged. Thanks again and God bless you all!”

...and then the unthinkable happened. The sky grew dark, the clouds rolled in and my arm hair stood up as I peered at the exposed community cards in front of my very eyes.

I will now present this dreadful experience with a picture from that horrific day…

“You fucking pieces of shits! You ass lucky, fuck tard losers. Fuck you too dealer you duchebag! I hate you Pittsburg feygits and you all smell like shit! Idiot, returd, dick fuks! I’m outa here! Fuck off!”

I need to find a costume.

I don’t need a costume for Halloween, you duhmies! I need one to wear in the new cardroom. You see, the second those doors fly open in the new casino, my fukin’ boss is going to be on me like a fuktard on a flush draw! I will need to come up with a kick ass disguise that will fool everyone, even better than the one Phil Laak wore at the 2008 WSOP main event. But that’s only the beginning of my problems.

There is no way in hell I’m going to be able to park my girl magnet, F-150 in the casino garage. No F’n way! That’s the first thing my boss is going to look for. Not only will I need to park offsite, I will have to keep it moving because of the GPS device that is surely to be attached. However, I got a plan. I’m going to loan my truck out to a pizza delivery boy while I play cards and have them return it at the end of their shift. My boss will think I’m working my ass off after he see’s all the stops my truck makes in a day. I just pray that the junk tard device doesn’t specify residential versus commercial addresses.

 My phone might be rigged as well. I guess pizza boy will just have to take it with him and then let me know every time my fukin’ boss calls. I just gotta remember to dial *69 when returning his call from the poker room desk or I will be up shit creek.

 Let’s see, what else? Oh ya. What about running into my deadbeat customers while I’m playing poker? I’m sure to see some of those fuckers when it rains or snows because they won’t be able to work construction on those days. When that happens, I guarantee they will give me up the next time in our store faster than a mafia rat on the FBI payroll. Fuck me.

If I can’t find a good costume, I can always hire Meats to be my lookout while I play at one of the far back tables. If he see’s my boss coming, he can give me a heads up via text so I can hide under the table until he leaves. There is only one problem with that. What are the fucking chances Meats stays at his station the whole time? As far as running into customers, Meats could be my muscle and threaten them with bodily harm if they snitch on me. I just haven’t seen Meat’s “intimidation face” as of yet so that is left up to the jury as well.

 You see, there are still a lot of fucking details to work out so I can play in the new casino during business hours. It’s not easy blowing off work.

Poker Talk for Duhmies

Do you ever find yourself in a conversation with somebody who has no idea about poker but wants to talk about it anyway in order to attempt at sounding intelligent? It usually goes something like this…

“So, Jeffery…how is the poker going?”

 “good”

 “Are you making any money?”

 “ya”

“Are we going to see you on T.V. when they show that big tournament?”

“Probably. Can you please shut the fuck up or should we change the topic and talk about your wandering eye?”

 It’s always the most retardedest conversations that never have a purpose nor a conclusion.

I love family get togethers when my relatives or one of my four sisters corner me almost immediately like an FBI agent would do.

 “Hi Jeffy, you look like your gaining weight”

“It’s the alcohol. It makes me bloated, bitches love it.”

“Oh. How is work?”

“My boss is a fucking asshole.”

“Sorry to hear about that. Are you still gambling?”

 “Pretty much every time I pick up a hooker”

 I also hang out with college buddies from time to time and they can be the biggest pricks when it comes to not understanding poker because they always want to challenge you.

“Homer, I’ll kick your ass in a game of hold’em. How much do you want to bet? Does $10.00 sound good?”

“No, it doesn’t sound good you fuck tard. I tip the server broad ten dollars every time she brings me a Corona. I spray cologne on ten dollar bills and use them as sanitary napkins when my hands are dirty. Does $300.00 sound good to you pal?”

Judge Judy Continued...

For all my fans who enjoyed the first installment of Judge Judy emails, here are a few more archived exchanges for your listening enjoyment.

Sometimes I send a message to the wrong person as you can see here...

Email entitled; give it back

“you stole Clarissa's camera. just give it back and quit lieing. also, there was no fight and no accident. you are a bad lier and a bad thief. i think that is her camera in your profile pic duhmie” 

“What are you talking about? I didn't steal no camera. I don't even know u or clarssa. Your tripping idiot.” 

Sometimes people get really pissed off at me…

Email entitled; Really?

“dude. you are an idiot for drinking and carrying a gun. Your case was comical and Judge Judy schooled you. You drank, liar. Pay for your responsibilities. You shot the gun duhmie.”

“You have no life find me on facebook and send me a fuckin message fuck you dick face and have a good life”

Hahahaha…

Email entitled; you are wrong

“give angela her money back! You thief!” 

“lmao and ywh would u pop off like that to me!!! she got her money show paid for everything its all just a put on get real!!!”

Here is one I wish I got a response from…

Email entitled; give it back

“give her tv back. your story doesn't add up. a marshall will be there in five days.”

 

One broad spilled her guts…

Email entitled; you're wrong

“pay amber her money, she earned it. you need to be more responsible and don't blame it on her qualifications. try finding a nanny other places, not coffee shops.” 

“What you don't know is that the show is staged. I was completely coached and so was she. I owed Amber 1/2 of what she said I did and I clearly knew that, she was supposed to come get paid the following week after being fired and didn't show or call. I figured I'd hear from her and never did, I even tried to get in touch with her. Next thing I knew I was getting called from Judge Judy's producer almost 8 months later about some pending case that she had sent in against me. Amber did get paid after the show. Believe me.

As I didn't pay the government for a background check, Amber did fill out an application and I did call on her references one of which was a daycare center where she had worked for quite some time. I thought she was sufficiently qualified. I have learned alot of lessons since the Amber situation. I wish her the best and hope she finds the right thing for herself.
Bridget”

This girl didn’t know what the hell to make of me…

Email entitled; Really?

“How the hell did you get hooked up with Nikalaos? That guy is a crook! Everything he said was a friggin lie! You also have a boyfriend in jail? Take my advice. Hang out with Zoe and stay away from guys for a while.” 

“do i know you?!” 

“no.” 

“how do you know zoe?” 

“Zoe Kilduff? I don't. She is/was your roommate.” 

“yeah.... idk this is just awkward” 

I like this exchange…

Email entitled; you did it druggie

“you need to pay for the damage you did to kyle and gregorys apartment. if you want to smoke dope out of bongs all night make sure the shit is out before you pass out. if you can't handle your dope, don't smoke it. sage told me you were high.” 

“What? Excuse me, huka is TABACCO! Lol, you're retarded. The fire happened during the DAY. I wasn't passed out - sage was.” 

“huka my ass. you were smoking dope. nice try. sage admitted it to me.” 

“Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. What even is dope? Weed?”

This guy was flattered to be noticed…

Email entitled; lier

“you promised to pay michele for the airfare to her sisters wedding. Pay it! you got lucky as shit because you should pay for the necklace also. live up to your responsibilities and quit mooching off people” 

“lmao!!! are you fucking kidding me!!! I love this shit!! you make me feel like a celebrity jeff!! its funny you would just email some 1 you watched on t.v. i'm flattered. want a autograph?”

I just guessed at this one and was right!...

“you let tamarra's cat out, everybody knows it. You need to buy her a new cat. What were you buying at the store, beer?” 

“how did you know about the beer????lol” 

I just made a bunch of shit up on this one…

Email entitled; your'e lieing

“you were sleeping with Austin when you gave him $300. Tyfini told me so because she heard you two going at it on some nights. He bought you a purse and thats how you show your gratitude? grow up” 

“I was not you don't know me your a creepy old man and should mind your own fucking business.”

I really pissed this girl off…

Email entitled; you did it 

“just admit that you kicked nicole out and sold all her property at your trailer park garage sale. what did you do with all the proceeds? spend it on an all you can eat lunch buffett?” 

“ok whatever fag you dont know me i didnt need her to live there i have rent money she was homeless fuck off no one needs her trash shit”

Another messy relationship thing…

Email entitled; quit lieing

“quit being a dick and give desiree her money back. nobody believes that you weren't screwing Tyfini at the same time you were dating Desiree. Do you think we are that stupid? you won't last in construction, you don't have the balls.” 

“ha who the fuck is this and actually im getting the company you dumb fuck. idk who you are and if you know that cunt desi than im sorry. i make more money now than you will make in your life the three hundred dollars i had but i would never pay that bitch”

This guy claims to be a religious, church going christian lol…

Email entitled; r u kidding me?

“u are such a con artist! u had to take advantage of young, naive Chiranan to get money? you preach bible passages while you steal from people? wow! you have friends? what a loser you are. go back and live with your xwifes aunt and uncle."

"Look at you. You cant even spell right. I didnt steal anything from her. If all you can do is sit arround and watch Judge judy all day that says alot about you. So go fuck yourself and give yourself a hand job because thats all you can get. Punk ass bitch...”

“He who is with out sin casy the first stone. I never stole anything from her, she gave it to me free will. just because i didnt want to marry her she felt that she was entitled to the money. No promises were made. I deal with people everyday and I do great work buisness wise and they are 100% happy with what I offer.”

Judge Judy

Since I ain’t got no poker stories to tell ya as of late, I’ll fill you in on a little thing I do from time to time for my sick entertainment. I start off by recording Judge Judy episodes and then watch them with my laptop open to my Facebook page.  

Before I begin, I must tell you the reason why I waste my time watching this geigh ass show in the first place. Because it attracts the most retarded, dumbest, idiotic people on the planet who actually think they have a lawsuit and/or defense. You combine that with a judge who actually tells you how retarded, dumb and idiotic you are in front of 4 million viewers. There is no acting and very little prepping, so what you see is what you get. I love watching human nature at it dumbest and that is why I watch reality television such as this. 

If you haven’t watched an episode of Judge Judy before, you must know that there are two, fifteen minute court cases during which the plaintiffs, defendants and witnesses names are all spelled out on the screen at some point in time. Also, the judge will usually ask where they work, go to school and live in order for her to get a better understanding of the court case at hand.  

Once I have all this information, I proceed to locate each and every person on the show by searching their name on Facebook. Usually I will find multiple listings but am able to narrow down my search by matching a person’s residing city or current university. Also, I usually have more luck with younger people versus retired couples as well as people that have unique spellings to their name.

Now the fun part.  

I decide in my mind who had a compelling case and who was a fucking idiot and then proceed to send off scathing emails via Facebook. Those people don’t know what hit them when they receive my emails. I open most of my messages by telling them that they are guilty, fucking retarded, and owe the money without ever mentioning anything about the show or me. They respond with things like, “who the fuck is this?”, “do I fucking know you?”, “excuse me?” I will usually lie my ass off and say that I am friends with one of the people from the court case and will include specific information to make my story believable such as naming the town or school that was revealed on the show. I just keep it going and tell them to pay their bill or fix their friend’s car, whatever the case may be. It is funny as fuck as you can see by a couple of the following email exchanges.

This first case involves a guy who gets sued for damaging someone’s property while shooting BB guns with his kid.

Email entitled; r u kidding me?

“Your forty years old and shooting bb guns with little kids? You need to get some friends. That is pretty sad. Grow up.”

He responds with the following...

“its not sad to include some of thje neighborhood kids in a game that i was also playing with my kids.That called family bonding.Since the kids have no father in their live.So when you dont no what the fuk you are talking about,i suggest u have no comment on this issue.You are probably single amd living alone,or worse with your parents.And as far as me growing up,lets see i own my own buisness,own my own hous,have 3 vehicles 2006,2007,2007 all paid off.So for you just ....shhhhss...idiots i tell you what.probably a big loser too..”

The next one involves a kid who sued his friend for damaging his car while driving without insurance. I sent off an email entitled “r u an idiot” to the defendant...

“you and Austin are duhmies. You guys are blaming somebody for damaging Austins car with having no evidence? you both were drunk on mikes hard lemonade. quit lying because you aren't good at it. where did you get your fake ids idiots?”

He responds with the following...

“why dont you shut the fuck up. if your stupid ass would of listened to the show you would of listened to them say for one we were NOT invited... ok thats fair.. but then later in the case says austin was in charge for supplying the alcohol and there was an organized list. so if we werent invited why would there be a list. now you tell me who the fuck is lieing you stupid piece of shit. judge judy isnt even real its a mock up of a court case that before you go on the producers tell you... "lie, make it interesting" now why dont you go get a fucking life rather then search random peoples names that you saw on the TV... idk but i would say you like to search 18 year old boys up on the internet all day. by any chance are you not aloud near a school? fucking weirdo”

I also emailed one of the defendants witnesses with a message entitled “Really?” to Kayla Geimer…

“you saw Austin and Corey bring beer to the party and you did not drink any? liar.”

She responded,

“I never said I didn't drink?.. And no.. They provided the alcohol.. And Austin does drink I use to be friends with him”

Here’s another one along with the response...

Email entitled; Really?

“you got engaged to Ryan after only 20 days??? You need to get your head examined. You live off of two men and a settlement? I am earning a living the hard way. I am working my ass off. I can't believe you let a stranger move in with you and your kids. there is something wrong with you. grow up”

“Listen buddy idk who the hell u think u r but news flash y don't u try to get a life that's exciting enough that u don't have to worry about what goes on in the lives of others!! I'm sry that u have nothin goin for yourself but its a shame and it happens! Good luck to ya”

This one is about a relationship gone bad...

Email entitled; I hope you learned

“How do you get hooked up with a con artist like Brendon? That guy is bad news. He probably moved back to PA because people are after him. You should have had your uncle break his knee caps. He is a horrible lier.”

“Sure did.., how do you know him? I imagine he owes you money too? someone from PA, emailed me saying he is garbage and he owes the whole city of pittsburg money.., I unfortunately met him from a dating site. Yes, a bit naive... He is definitely a great actor!! He is such a loser. Glad Judge judy made a complete fool of him on national tv.”

This kid stole a moped...

Email entitled; you have a guilty face

“look up if you're going to lie duhmie. You stole the moped, we all know it. Pay Robert his money out of your weed funds and your moms beer money. Moron.”

“(1/2) Hell yea i took it but judge judy paid me to say that i didnt take it so they would have a good show and since i said i didnt take it they paid for him to

(2/2) get a new one” 

This broad got sued for an unpaid loan...

Email entitled; Quit lying

“Erin loaned you the money duhmie, it was not a gift. Rocky is working now so it shouldn't be a problem. Own up to your responsibilities and quit screwing your friends over. You should be ashamed of yourself. I hope you lose clients at your junkass salon for what you did.”

“She got paid. Leave me the fuck alone. I don't even know who u are.”

I really liked the following loser case...

Email entitled; are you serious?

 “You are half retarded. I cannot believe that Katherine dated you. You're not going to college duhmie. You're going to spend your life in prison. You wave at people driving by, in front of tax return business while in a costume??? lol.”

“lol u got jokes hmm whosay she still dont dude leave me alone”

I think it’s funny as shit that these people engage in someone who is being an ass to them and then proceed to defend themselves even after the case is over. Hahahahaha. It is scary however at how easy it is to find a person on these social sites along with very personal information about their families and kids.