700

That number represents the amount I lost on my first day as a full time poker player.  

I started off playing at the 1-2 NLHE table while I waited to be called to the 2-5. It was a new table and Brian happened to be sitting in seat 1 while I played from seat 8.  

Surprisingly, he plays very similar to Brad. His VPIP was 90% and of those hands, he C-bet 99% of the flops. That guy is a total LAG with zero thought to position or players in the hand. His style of play was to run over the table with any two cards and I must admit, that approach was working quite well because everyone was too scared to fight back and 3-bet. They either just folded or check/called and let him get there.  

It was incredible to see a full time poker pro play that reckless at a poker table but that style would never work at  2-5 NLHE because he would be eaten alive trying that shit.

 

Now I understand why he plays the lower limits most of the time.  

Anyways, I played 1:15 hours before getting called over to 2-5. I left stuck at that table for $103.00 

I sat down at the 2-5 table with $497.00 and wasted a seat for the next 4:46 hours. I finally got dealt 10J in the cutoff & raised to $20.00. I got two callers & we saw the following flop…

It ended up a 3-way, all-in flop which bloated the pot to $1600.00. The turn was 2c and the river Qc.

Believe it or not, I didn't swear, spit or piss on anybody's leg. I just got up quietly & went home.

I gotta find a new job.

Wheel of Fortune

I had a dream that I won a spot on the Wheel of Fortune & it went something like this… 

“I’m Pat Sajak & this is The Wheel of Fortune. Let’s start off by introducing the contestants. Our first gentleman is Mike ‘HipHop’ Myers from Brooklyn, Ohio. Hi Mike, what do you do for a living?” 

“I win” 

“Excuse me?” 

“I win” 

“Alrighty then. What are your hobbies?” 

“I stick horseshoes up my ass” 

“Let’s move on to our next contestant & his name is Brad L. from Cleveland, Ohio. Hi, Brad. What kind of interests do you have?” 

“My only real interest is to cram my liberal hippy views down anybody’s throat who will listen to me.” 

“Uh, sorry?” 

“For example, I think we should all win prizes & money on this game show. It’s not fair to have one winner. Let’s just chop it five ways & call it a day. What do you think about that, Patty?” 

“Our next contestant is “Eskimo” from North Olmsted. Hello there, tell us something about you.” 

“Well, I’m listed in the Guinness Book of World Records” 

“No kidding! What is the record you are credited with?” 

“I have been on the most, non-repeating dates with the most women in a single year” 

“Are you proud of that?” 

“Well, ya. I hold the world record, don’t I?” 

“Standing next to Eskimo is Andrew ‘Caveman’ Revy. Can you tell us something about yourself?” 

“I sell overpriced goods to unsuspecting customers & tell them it’s for a good cause” 

“What do you do in your free time?” 

“I play poker like a fucking idiot & convince myself that I’m really good” 

“Nice” 

“Our last contestant is Jeff ‘Grayday’ Gray. Mr. Gray is that a beer you are holding?” 

“Absolutely not” 

“Please put it behind the table.” 

“Are you married?” 

“No but I would really like it if Eskimo would give me some of those girls numbers whom he has dated. How about it Eskimo?” 

“I would really like to Grayday but unfortunately, every single one of them have changed their number & I have no way of getting a hold of them” 

“What about an address or two?” 

“This might sound hard to believe but every single one of them have since moved to undisclosed locations as well” 

“Damnit!” 

The memory of my dream fast forwarded to the heart of the contest & I recall the following letters for the clue, “Synonyms”. The words happen to be FROG TOAD.  

F_ _ _    T_ _ _ D 

“Mr. Gray spun $600, what letter would you like?” 

“I would like to solve the puzzle. FUCK TARD” 

“Sorry, that is not it. Mike, go ahead & spin” 

“$200. Would you like to buy a letter?” 

“I want to solve it. I AM GREAT” 

“Uh, that’s not it. Brad, you are next”

“For $1000, would you like to buy a letter?” 

“I can’t afford it because I’m from a disadvantaged environment. Can I get some government assistance so I’m able to purchase a letter?” 

“You have $1000 in front of you” 

“I’m gonna use that for a big screen tv” 

“Caveman, go ahead & spin. For $100, what would you like to do?”

“I’ll give it a try. SHOP AT CONSTANTINO’S” 

My alarm clock then went off at the crack of noon and I never got too finish my dream. Oh well, I guess I can only imagine.

 

 

 

If I were To See a Shrink Part II

“Mr. Gray, you seem to have a pretty negative outlook on life. Tell me three things you are grateful for.” 

“Well, for one, nobody has called me out of the blue claiming to be my kid”

“That’s not what I had in mind”

“My ex-wife never found out about my stash while we were still married”

“You hid money from your wife?”

“I’m also grateful that my felony charge got reduced to a disorderly conduct”

“I’m not even going to ask. Let’s move on. Do you consider your self a cultured person?”

“Huh?”

“Do you have any friends of different ethnic backgrounds?”

“I’m friends with Chasity”

“That’s great! What is her nationality?”

“I think she is Mexican”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because she’s always drinking my Coronas and after a late night of drinking, she eats at Taco Bell on the way home”

“When is the last time you took a vacation and just got away for a while?”

“Last week I went to Tomon’s cottage in Marblehead”

“It’s great that he trusts you enough to use his place for your own use”

“He doesn’t know about it”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I break into it when I know they aren’t going to be there & I hang out for a couple days”

“Oh my gosh! Aren’t you worried about getting caught?”

“Hell ya. I almost did one time when they pulled up to the place while I was inside”

“Did you think they were going to see you run off?”

“No, the room still smelled like weed from the bong I smoked earlier”

“We really have some work to do Mr. Gray”

“Let me ask you this, are you able to get a good nights sleep? Do you have any dreams?”

“I had one the other day”

“Tell me about it”

“It’s actually a reoccurring one. I dream that I go to Julie’s poker tournament and pull behind Scott’s car to block him in. I then take a bucket of cigarette butts & throw them all over her driveway. After that, I pee in her flower bed & then go inside to play cards without washing my hands”

“What do you think is the significance of your dream?”

“It means I hate tournaments”

“You mentioned earlier that you aren’t very active. Are there any outdoor activities you would like to get more involve in?”

“Sure. I like golf, horseshoes, cornhole, canoeing & camping”

“It concerns me that the activities you mentioned are generally in conjunction with alcohol & I don’t think you need any more encouragement than you already have. What about indoor activities?”

“Poker, darts, bowling & billiards”

“Hmmmm”

“Is there anybody in your life who you would like to get to know better?”

“No, but one person I’m not sure I want to know better is Doug Poker”

“Why not?”

“I think he has a lot of skeletons.”

“You mean he has a lot of dark secrets?”

“No. I think he has bodies buried in his back yard.”

“His girlfriend Kirsten treats people with sleep disorders but I think she is the one with the disorder.”

“Why do you say that?”

“I think she is too petrified to close her eyes at night when he is in the same room. I heard that the only time she sleeps is when she goes to her patients homes”

“How does she manage that?”

“Well, she hooks them up to all these monitors to measure their REM sleep cycles. As soon as they get to stage three, she’s out like a light.”

“Is there anybody in your life who you would like to trade places with?”

“Before my buddy Brad got a job, I wanted to be him.”

“What was so great about his life?”

“He lived in his parent’s house & his day consisted of six things.”

“What was that?”

“Waking, baking, eating, shitting, surfing & napping.”

“That’s no way to live your life.”

“The hell it isn’t.”

“Our time is up & I need to regroup. We will meet again next week Mr. Gray.”

To be continued…

If I were to see a Shrink Part I

The other day I was in a funk and wondered how the conversation would go if I were to see a shrink. Here’s how I see it playing out…

“Hello Mr. Gray, what brings you here today?”

“I don’t know, I’m fuck’n pissed off all the time”

“I’m sorry to hear that. Maybe I can help. Let’s start off with a little background information first?”

“What do you like do in your spare time?”

“Drink beer and play poker”

“Ummm, alright. What else?”

“That’s it.”

“Why don’t you tell me about your friends. Who do you like to hang out with?”

“Well, they aren’t really my friends. We just get together so I can try & take their money, and they like inviting me over to get my money, especially after having a beer or twelve”

“Is there anybody you like to do things with outside of cards?”

“Krazy Mike is alright. The only thing is, he likes to go to these concerts & watch really, really old fucks play music. Do you know who Peter Frampton is?”

“Isn’t he dead?”

“Exactly, but no.”

“What else to you two do?”

“Whatever it is, we can’t be riding in the car for a long time”

“Why is that?”

“If I hear ‘I Can’t Explain’ or’ Pinball Wizard’ one more time, I’ll clock him. Short drives minimize that from happening”

“Do you have any girlfriends”

“No”

“Any girls in your card group you like?”

“KTina seems cool, but it just wouldn’t work out”

“Why is that?”

“Because she doesn’t drive”

“I don’t see why that should be an issue”

“I’m not gonna haul her dead ass all over town every day. Most of the time, I’m the one that needs a driver! Just last week I needed a ride to the store after polishing off an eighteen pack and couldn’t find anybody to take me”

“What did you need at the store?”

“More beer duhmie”

“Is there anybody in your circle of friends you can confide in?”

“Well, if you asked me that a year ago, I would have said TK. Not any more”

“What changed?”

“He has a fuck’n raised garden”

“I don’t follow you”

“I think he’s gay”

“How does a garden make someone gay?”

“He posts pictures on Facebook of all the shit that he grows”

“And?...”

“The last post he was showing off all the long, thick, dark carrots that, in his own words, took him two hands to pull out of the ground. I’m really thinking of dfriending him.”

“Do you do anything that would be considered a physical activity?”

“Hell no”

“Maybe that should be something to consider. Do you have any friends that play sports or are active in any way?”

“Well, there’s Nautica Brian, but that wouldn’t work out either.”

“Why not?”

“Because I refuse to be friends with Forrest Gump. All that fucker does is run!”

“This is more difficult than I anticipated. Do you have any friends that you met outside of poker. Somebody you might have a different bond with?”

“I knew JASE1 before poker. There is no way in hell I can hang out with that guy”

“I can’t wait to hear this. Go on”

“That fucker has every thug & low life in town out for his ass. He corners them into outrageously high interest loans & then repo’s their cars when they miss a payment. I’m not gonna get caught up in the cross fire when they come after him through the back entrance of a bar with baseball bats. No siree”

“Is there anybody in your group who you consider a mentor. Somebody you would turn to for their expert opinion. Maybe for legal advice, for example?”

“There is this broad by the name of Jen but it would have to be very limited topics”

“What is the problem there?”

“She’s a Feminazi. You know, a man hater”

“I don’t think that’s a very nice thing to say”

“The woman is a divorce attorney! It’s us versus them! In fact, I could have sworn I heard her whisper something under her breath one time while playing cards. It really got me upset too”

“What was that?”

She said, “I wish I knew your wife back in the day when she was looking for an attorney”

“Well, I find that hard to believe”

“I’m just saying”

“There must be somebody you know who you could just sit on a couple lawn chairs with & shoot the breeze, right?”

“There is somebody like that & his name is Tom D.V. but sitting on lawn chairs is ALL we can do”

“What do you mean?”

“That guy has no money! In fact, he is so broke that homeless people throw change at him!”

“Oh boy”

To be continued…

I Got Banned!

I logged into my Zynga Poker site after I got home tonight, as I do every night that I’m not playing real cards, & found this fuck’n message...

Policy Violation Warning

Your account has been banned

Your poker account has been disabled.

If you believe this is an error, please contact customer support to request reactivation.

Are you kidding me? I just built my roll up to over $1,000,000,000 after three months of multi-tabling & 50,000 hands, then you pull this move???

What is wrong with you people?

Let me guess…It was that broad that I told to “Go back into the fuk’n kitchen where you belong”, wasn’t it? Well, in my defense, her avatar showed her standing naked while holding a frying pan and smoking a cigarette. Big fuck’n deal.

Wait a minute. Was it that redneck from Alabama? I can’t help it if he can’t play cards nor take a joke. All I asked him was, “What do you call a bunch of tractors parked in front of McDonalds on a Friday night in Alabama?...Prom”

Ya gotta admit, that’s funny, right?

Can I get my account back now, you fuckers?

 

I know your monitors warned me about my language months ago, but I got better. Instead of calling your wannabe cardplayers assholes, fuck tards, dick fucks or faggots, I learned to modify my communications so as not to piss off your upstanding, attentive security personnel. My verbiage was updated to words like assshoe, fuk terd, dik fuk & feygit. Technically, I wasn’t swearing so what is the fuck’n problem?

Give me my $1,000,000,000.00 back you coks!

Sorry, I didn’t mean it. Can we start over? If you only knew how many hours I logged into this free site so I can accomplish nothing, win nothing & earn nothing. I have friends that want nothing to do with me because of you guys. In fact, some of them have paid off their markers with Zynga points. My mother started calling me Jeffy in public. I got an Angry Birds stuffed animal on my birthday. When I ask for something light at the Moosehead saloon, they give me skim milk. It’s not funny any more.

I’ll tell you what. If you don’t give me my account back right away, I’m gonna sign up under a new name and new account.

Say hi to your newest member…FUKUZYNGAFEYGITFUKTERDS

Outback

I took my mother out to dinner for the hell of it and we went to Outback Steakhouse in Westlake. I talked her into going there because they have the best steaks in town. In reality, there is a broad that works the late shift that I was working on pretty hard, if you know what I mean. She said I have almost no chance in hooking up with her so I’m gonna keep coming back.  

Anyways, my mother walked in to find me already sitting down and asked how long I was there for. “Not long, maybe two hours. I just wanna work up an appetite. How you doin?” 

She had something under her arms.

“What’s that?” 

“A gift” 

“What for?” 

“I picked it up at a county fair” 

She handed me the fuck’n sign and I wasn’t amused.  

“Did that crazy Mike put you up to this shit?” 

“No. Who is crazy Mike?”

“He’s an asshole. Don’t worry about it. Was it Hip?” 

“What?”

“Was he wearing a shirt with his girlfriend’s picture on the front?” 

“No!” 

“Damn, then it wasn’t that fuck’n freak” 

The waitress came around and took our drink order and I looked at the menu in the meantime, pretending to want some food. “The chicken sounds really good tonight, maybe I’ll get that.” Whatever. 

“Mom, you gotta tell me who put you up to this shit because it’s not funny” 

“Let me ask you this, have you been to The Horseshoe lately?” 

“Yes, why? I went the other day with my bridge club” 

“Did you run into a bald, crazy eyed dealer who looks like uncle Fester from the Adams Family?” 

“There was a friendly gentleman like that dealing the blackjack table. Why?” 

“Fuck me mom! Did Brad put you up to this shit?”  

“No! I told you I bought it at the fair! Why are you so upset?” 

“You tell Brad, I’m gonna spill a Corona all over his table the next time I see him!” 

“Thanks for the gift mom. I really don’t lose all my money like people tell you. I really don’t. It’s just that I get unlucky at times and they make me drink a lot more than I want to. Some of them make me smoke weed” 

“Oh Jeff, that’s very disappointing” 

“It’s out of my hands mom. What do you want me to do?” 

“By the way, did Doug poker say anything to you when he came over to look at your furnace?” 

“Who?” 

“You know…the bald, crazy eyed freak like Brad, only a bigger build and with an exposed ass crack.” 

“Your friend Doug? He was a gentleman, be nice” 

“What did he say about me?” 

“Nothing!” 

“No more meeting anybody I know, they are a bad influence on you. How is your steak?” 

“Very good, and your bread?” 

“I’m fuk’n full. Let’s get the fuck out of here.”

Shazam

Since I don’t have a wife, kids or a girl that will sleep with me for free, I do a lot of things on my own by default, but it can be embarrassing at times. For example, I like going to the movie theatre but dread going up to the ticket counter and buying one ticket to “Finding Nemo 3d” for a 45 year old freak in sneakers and baseball cap. In fact, I was paranoid the day I went to see “Dark Knight Rising” because I would have fit the recently famous, Colorado terrorist M.O. perfectly if I was only wearing a fanny pack.  

Anyways, I like to go out to restaurants a lot and shoot the shit with servers while eating my meal at the bar. One of my favorite restaurants is a Mexican chain called Don Ramos. If you ask me, all Mexican restaurant’s food tastes the same and their establishments look the same so why don’t they just all band together and form a Mexican franchise so they can pool their revenues and not have to worry about trying to be different.  

The servers at these places are by far, the friendliest people I have ever met. You would think I was a high roller at the Horseshoe the way they looked after my every need. They never say no to anything! I am almost tempted to spring on the owner a classic Blues Brothers line, “How much for your daughter?” 

So I went to Don Ramos tonight and I was the only person in the place because they were 30 minutes from closing. Nfl highlights were playing on the big screen but everything was in Spanish. I noticed the music was playing in Spanish and I wondered if my Shazam Iphone app would pick it up. Sure as shit, it did! 

The can of worms is now open! 

Every time an employee walked by, I would make a comment referencing the band as well as the song. 

“Hey amigo, how do you like Grupo G? La Iconforme is an awesome Tune!” 

“How do you know Grupo G?” 

“They rock! Can I have some more queso?” 

Several minutes would go by and another server would walk by. 

“Hey amigo, Roberto Tapia for president! Mirando Al Cielo makes my senorita’s heart melt” 

As soon as I said that, this guy stopped dead in his tracks and looked at me with a bug eyed, deer in the headlights expression. Partly because he was surprised that, that shit came out of my mouth, and partly because I chopped it up so bad. 

I really sounded more like. “hey amiga dude, Roberti tapioca for president! Miranda ill sello makes my sineridiots heart melt” 

Ten minutes later, I walked up to the counter, paid my $6.00 tab and shouted out as loud as possible while pushing open the front door, 

 “Geraldo Ortiz is my hero”

AA versus any 9

I don’t usually post badbeat stories because it’s the same as when you have a cramp in your leg. The person you are bitching and crying to act like they give a shit but all they really want to do is swipe you from your feet and watch you squeal in even more agony than before.

Anyhow, I have a cramp in my leg and you are going to listen.

Two sessions ago, I sat down at the Shitshoe 2-5 NLHE game. I bought in for $300.00 and I was sober as a lifer, 20 days into solitary confinement. I NEVER play my hands slow at these fukin places because there are too many retards who want to see flops for cheap. I wake up with AA early on and was first to act. I open for $25.00 and get raised to $75.00(duchebag). The raiser gets three callers before it gets back to me. Fuck that, I push for $375.00 and get one caller who has the same stack as I do. WTF?

Do you know that fukin idiot calls off $400.00 with 99? What a fuk tard! He hit his third nine on the flop and I am off to the cage for more chips. What an asshole.

I proceeded to waste a seat for the next four hours and fold almost every hand dealt to me, until…another dealer decides to give me AA. “Thank you dealer, I will not disappoint you.” I raise the straddle, make it $60.00 to go and see a flop with one customer. I look down at 9Q4 rainbow and push for another $300.00 only to find that I ran into 99 for a flopped set. REALLY???

-$700.00. Potential winnings +$1700.00

Let’s fastforward to tonight’s session. I played for less than one orbit when this fukin idiot plops his chips down and was first to act before he even sits in his seat. He makes a speech to the dealer along the lines of “why don’t we get this game going” and proceeds to throw in $20.00. What a fucking asshole. That’s not even a big bet at 2-5 you cock.

I make it $100.00 with AA and he looks at me like I insulted his husband. Anyways, he calls and we see a flop of 9Q2 rainbow. He checks, I push, and he calls. Do you know what that fuk tard had?

9J.

Do you know what came on the river?

9.

-$1500.00 potential winnings +3600.00

The very next hand he opens for $20.00, I make it $100.00 with 97 and he asks the following, “it’s going to be like that?” I said “fuck off”, and he asked me if I want to take it into parking lot.  20 minutes later, the cops escorted both of us out of the place for being abusive and threatening. 

I can’t wait for the next person to come up to me and bitch about a pinched nerve in their neck!

My Birthday is Coming Up!

I haven’t blogged in a while because I have had nothing very interesting to say poker related. I can’t remember most of my sessions to begin with, I could give a shit about hand histories and if it wasn’t for a poker AP on my duhmie phone, I wouldn’t be able to recall if I won or lost any session. Hell, I ran into a couple players last night that called me by my nickname & I had no fuckin idea who they were. I just waved my hand like the pope would do, gave them a big ole smile like the president would do and whispered under my breath like a pissed off Grayday would do, “how you do’in you fukin idiots?” not realizing that my table was listening and who proceeded to bust out laughing.  

Anyways, I currently got about eight beers in me, three glasses of merlot & 1-1/2 lbs of spaghetti with meatballs from Carrabas restaurant in Westlake(They said I’m allowed back, but on strict probation). I am now sitting on the couch watching Dave Matthews Blu-Ray concert with a Corona by my side and crooked eye glasses hanging by a hair on my nose. You have no idea how hard it is to write this blog instead of playing Zinga poker. I am the fukin Zinga poker king you bitches! Bow down to The Grayday Mr. 1,000,000,000 points! 

I’m gonna set some goals this year for my birthday. Here we go…

1. Live until I go to Vegas
2. Don’t get arrested
3. Hook up with a girl that I don’t have to pay for
4. Do something other than poker
5. Get rid of that nasty rash!

I gotta go play some Zinga poker bitches!

What a lovely hand!

So I am sitting in Rivers Casino, minding my own business when lo and behold, the generous poker dealer decides to give me AA from under the gun. I wanted to thank the gentleman right then and there but I didn’t think it would be appropriate. Instead, I put my head down and nudged three $5.00 chips into the middle of the pot. Wouldn’t you know it? The gratuitous neighbor on my left decides to contribute $30.00 to the Grayday fund. How thoughtful of him.

I was in disbelief when my friend two doors down, then proceeded to give his WHOLE savings to the Grayday fund in the amount of $180.00. “Thank you sir, you are very kind and the donation will be put to good use. God bless”

When the action came to me, I felt obligated to show my commitment to this good cause and matched all donations for another $180.00. There are some very devotional people in this world and I am blessed to come into their presence.

My first neighbor then decides to reciprocate and put’s HIS whole savings into the basket in the amount of another $160.00. “You are a gentleman and a scholar. Your good deeds will not go unnoticed”.

My philanthropic friends then tabled their cards in which I will now present in picture form from that glorious day.

“I just want to thank my ex-wife and kids I never had, for if it wasn’t for you, I would never have made it here to this glorious day. I also want to thank the publishers of “Poker for Duhmies” for your determination in teaching me hand rankings. I also want to thank the Cerveceria Modelo brewery for producing their line of Corona Extra beverages. It is your commitment to this brand that enabled me to grind through incredibly long sessions at a table without getting discouraged. Thanks again and God bless you all!”

...and then the unthinkable happened. The sky grew dark, the clouds rolled in and my arm hair stood up as I peered at the exposed community cards in front of my very eyes.

I will now present this dreadful experience with a picture from that horrific day…

“You fucking pieces of shits! You ass lucky, fuck tard losers. Fuck you too dealer you duchebag! I hate you Pittsburg feygits and you all smell like shit! Idiot, returd, dick fuks! I’m outa here! Fuck off!”

I need to find a costume.

I don’t need a costume for Halloween, you duhmies! I need one to wear in the new cardroom. You see, the second those doors fly open in the new casino, my fukin’ boss is going to be on me like a fuktard on a flush draw! I will need to come up with a kick ass disguise that will fool everyone, even better than the one Phil Laak wore at the 2008 WSOP main event. But that’s only the beginning of my problems.

There is no way in hell I’m going to be able to park my girl magnet, F-150 in the casino garage. No F’n way! That’s the first thing my boss is going to look for. Not only will I need to park offsite, I will have to keep it moving because of the GPS device that is surely to be attached. However, I got a plan. I’m going to loan my truck out to a pizza delivery boy while I play cards and have them return it at the end of their shift. My boss will think I’m working my ass off after he see’s all the stops my truck makes in a day. I just pray that the junk tard device doesn’t specify residential versus commercial addresses.

 My phone might be rigged as well. I guess pizza boy will just have to take it with him and then let me know every time my fukin’ boss calls. I just gotta remember to dial *69 when returning his call from the poker room desk or I will be up shit creek.

 Let’s see, what else? Oh ya. What about running into my deadbeat customers while I’m playing poker? I’m sure to see some of those fuckers when it rains or snows because they won’t be able to work construction on those days. When that happens, I guarantee they will give me up the next time in our store faster than a mafia rat on the FBI payroll. Fuck me.

If I can’t find a good costume, I can always hire Meats to be my lookout while I play at one of the far back tables. If he see’s my boss coming, he can give me a heads up via text so I can hide under the table until he leaves. There is only one problem with that. What are the fucking chances Meats stays at his station the whole time? As far as running into customers, Meats could be my muscle and threaten them with bodily harm if they snitch on me. I just haven’t seen Meat’s “intimidation face” as of yet so that is left up to the jury as well.

 You see, there are still a lot of fucking details to work out so I can play in the new casino during business hours. It’s not easy blowing off work.

Poker Talk for Duhmies

Do you ever find yourself in a conversation with somebody who has no idea about poker but wants to talk about it anyway in order to attempt at sounding intelligent? It usually goes something like this…

“So, Jeffery…how is the poker going?”

 “good”

 “Are you making any money?”

 “ya”

“Are we going to see you on T.V. when they show that big tournament?”

“Probably. Can you please shut the fuck up or should we change the topic and talk about your wandering eye?”

 It’s always the most retardedest conversations that never have a purpose nor a conclusion.

I love family get togethers when my relatives or one of my four sisters corner me almost immediately like an FBI agent would do.

 “Hi Jeffy, you look like your gaining weight”

“It’s the alcohol. It makes me bloated, bitches love it.”

“Oh. How is work?”

“My boss is a fucking asshole.”

“Sorry to hear about that. Are you still gambling?”

 “Pretty much every time I pick up a hooker”

 I also hang out with college buddies from time to time and they can be the biggest pricks when it comes to not understanding poker because they always want to challenge you.

“Homer, I’ll kick your ass in a game of hold’em. How much do you want to bet? Does $10.00 sound good?”

“No, it doesn’t sound good you fuck tard. I tip the server broad ten dollars every time she brings me a Corona. I spray cologne on ten dollar bills and use them as sanitary napkins when my hands are dirty. Does $300.00 sound good to you pal?”

Judge Judy Continued...

For all my fans who enjoyed the first installment of Judge Judy emails, here are a few more archived exchanges for your listening enjoyment.

Sometimes I send a message to the wrong person as you can see here...

Email entitled; give it back

“you stole Clarissa's camera. just give it back and quit lieing. also, there was no fight and no accident. you are a bad lier and a bad thief. i think that is her camera in your profile pic duhmie” 

“What are you talking about? I didn't steal no camera. I don't even know u or clarssa. Your tripping idiot.” 

Sometimes people get really pissed off at me…

Email entitled; Really?

“dude. you are an idiot for drinking and carrying a gun. Your case was comical and Judge Judy schooled you. You drank, liar. Pay for your responsibilities. You shot the gun duhmie.”

“You have no life find me on facebook and send me a fuckin message fuck you dick face and have a good life”

Hahahaha…

Email entitled; you are wrong

“give angela her money back! You thief!” 

“lmao and ywh would u pop off like that to me!!! she got her money show paid for everything its all just a put on get real!!!”

Here is one I wish I got a response from…

Email entitled; give it back

“give her tv back. your story doesn't add up. a marshall will be there in five days.”

 

One broad spilled her guts…

Email entitled; you're wrong

“pay amber her money, she earned it. you need to be more responsible and don't blame it on her qualifications. try finding a nanny other places, not coffee shops.” 

“What you don't know is that the show is staged. I was completely coached and so was she. I owed Amber 1/2 of what she said I did and I clearly knew that, she was supposed to come get paid the following week after being fired and didn't show or call. I figured I'd hear from her and never did, I even tried to get in touch with her. Next thing I knew I was getting called from Judge Judy's producer almost 8 months later about some pending case that she had sent in against me. Amber did get paid after the show. Believe me.

As I didn't pay the government for a background check, Amber did fill out an application and I did call on her references one of which was a daycare center where she had worked for quite some time. I thought she was sufficiently qualified. I have learned alot of lessons since the Amber situation. I wish her the best and hope she finds the right thing for herself.
Bridget”

This girl didn’t know what the hell to make of me…

Email entitled; Really?

“How the hell did you get hooked up with Nikalaos? That guy is a crook! Everything he said was a friggin lie! You also have a boyfriend in jail? Take my advice. Hang out with Zoe and stay away from guys for a while.” 

“do i know you?!” 

“no.” 

“how do you know zoe?” 

“Zoe Kilduff? I don't. She is/was your roommate.” 

“yeah.... idk this is just awkward” 

I like this exchange…

Email entitled; you did it druggie

“you need to pay for the damage you did to kyle and gregorys apartment. if you want to smoke dope out of bongs all night make sure the shit is out before you pass out. if you can't handle your dope, don't smoke it. sage told me you were high.” 

“What? Excuse me, huka is TABACCO! Lol, you're retarded. The fire happened during the DAY. I wasn't passed out - sage was.” 

“huka my ass. you were smoking dope. nice try. sage admitted it to me.” 

“Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. What even is dope? Weed?”

This guy was flattered to be noticed…

Email entitled; lier

“you promised to pay michele for the airfare to her sisters wedding. Pay it! you got lucky as shit because you should pay for the necklace also. live up to your responsibilities and quit mooching off people” 

“lmao!!! are you fucking kidding me!!! I love this shit!! you make me feel like a celebrity jeff!! its funny you would just email some 1 you watched on t.v. i'm flattered. want a autograph?”

I just guessed at this one and was right!...

“you let tamarra's cat out, everybody knows it. You need to buy her a new cat. What were you buying at the store, beer?” 

“how did you know about the beer????lol” 

I just made a bunch of shit up on this one…

Email entitled; your'e lieing

“you were sleeping with Austin when you gave him $300. Tyfini told me so because she heard you two going at it on some nights. He bought you a purse and thats how you show your gratitude? grow up” 

“I was not you don't know me your a creepy old man and should mind your own fucking business.”

I really pissed this girl off…

Email entitled; you did it 

“just admit that you kicked nicole out and sold all her property at your trailer park garage sale. what did you do with all the proceeds? spend it on an all you can eat lunch buffett?” 

“ok whatever fag you dont know me i didnt need her to live there i have rent money she was homeless fuck off no one needs her trash shit”

Another messy relationship thing…

Email entitled; quit lieing

“quit being a dick and give desiree her money back. nobody believes that you weren't screwing Tyfini at the same time you were dating Desiree. Do you think we are that stupid? you won't last in construction, you don't have the balls.” 

“ha who the fuck is this and actually im getting the company you dumb fuck. idk who you are and if you know that cunt desi than im sorry. i make more money now than you will make in your life the three hundred dollars i had but i would never pay that bitch”

This guy claims to be a religious, church going christian lol…

Email entitled; r u kidding me?

“u are such a con artist! u had to take advantage of young, naive Chiranan to get money? you preach bible passages while you steal from people? wow! you have friends? what a loser you are. go back and live with your xwifes aunt and uncle."

"Look at you. You cant even spell right. I didnt steal anything from her. If all you can do is sit arround and watch Judge judy all day that says alot about you. So go fuck yourself and give yourself a hand job because thats all you can get. Punk ass bitch...”

“He who is with out sin casy the first stone. I never stole anything from her, she gave it to me free will. just because i didnt want to marry her she felt that she was entitled to the money. No promises were made. I deal with people everyday and I do great work buisness wise and they are 100% happy with what I offer.”

Judge Judy

Since I ain’t got no poker stories to tell ya as of late, I’ll fill you in on a little thing I do from time to time for my sick entertainment. I start off by recording Judge Judy episodes and then watch them with my laptop open to my Facebook page.  

Before I begin, I must tell you the reason why I waste my time watching this geigh ass show in the first place. Because it attracts the most retarded, dumbest, idiotic people on the planet who actually think they have a lawsuit and/or defense. You combine that with a judge who actually tells you how retarded, dumb and idiotic you are in front of 4 million viewers. There is no acting and very little prepping, so what you see is what you get. I love watching human nature at it dumbest and that is why I watch reality television such as this. 

If you haven’t watched an episode of Judge Judy before, you must know that there are two, fifteen minute court cases during which the plaintiffs, defendants and witnesses names are all spelled out on the screen at some point in time. Also, the judge will usually ask where they work, go to school and live in order for her to get a better understanding of the court case at hand.  

Once I have all this information, I proceed to locate each and every person on the show by searching their name on Facebook. Usually I will find multiple listings but am able to narrow down my search by matching a person’s residing city or current university. Also, I usually have more luck with younger people versus retired couples as well as people that have unique spellings to their name.

Now the fun part.  

I decide in my mind who had a compelling case and who was a fucking idiot and then proceed to send off scathing emails via Facebook. Those people don’t know what hit them when they receive my emails. I open most of my messages by telling them that they are guilty, fucking retarded, and owe the money without ever mentioning anything about the show or me. They respond with things like, “who the fuck is this?”, “do I fucking know you?”, “excuse me?” I will usually lie my ass off and say that I am friends with one of the people from the court case and will include specific information to make my story believable such as naming the town or school that was revealed on the show. I just keep it going and tell them to pay their bill or fix their friend’s car, whatever the case may be. It is funny as fuck as you can see by a couple of the following email exchanges.

This first case involves a guy who gets sued for damaging someone’s property while shooting BB guns with his kid.

Email entitled; r u kidding me?

“Your forty years old and shooting bb guns with little kids? You need to get some friends. That is pretty sad. Grow up.”

He responds with the following...

“its not sad to include some of thje neighborhood kids in a game that i was also playing with my kids.That called family bonding.Since the kids have no father in their live.So when you dont no what the fuk you are talking about,i suggest u have no comment on this issue.You are probably single amd living alone,or worse with your parents.And as far as me growing up,lets see i own my own buisness,own my own hous,have 3 vehicles 2006,2007,2007 all paid off.So for you just ....shhhhss...idiots i tell you what.probably a big loser too..”

The next one involves a kid who sued his friend for damaging his car while driving without insurance. I sent off an email entitled “r u an idiot” to the defendant...

“you and Austin are duhmies. You guys are blaming somebody for damaging Austins car with having no evidence? you both were drunk on mikes hard lemonade. quit lying because you aren't good at it. where did you get your fake ids idiots?”

He responds with the following...

“why dont you shut the fuck up. if your stupid ass would of listened to the show you would of listened to them say for one we were NOT invited... ok thats fair.. but then later in the case says austin was in charge for supplying the alcohol and there was an organized list. so if we werent invited why would there be a list. now you tell me who the fuck is lieing you stupid piece of shit. judge judy isnt even real its a mock up of a court case that before you go on the producers tell you... "lie, make it interesting" now why dont you go get a fucking life rather then search random peoples names that you saw on the TV... idk but i would say you like to search 18 year old boys up on the internet all day. by any chance are you not aloud near a school? fucking weirdo”

I also emailed one of the defendants witnesses with a message entitled “Really?” to Kayla Geimer…

“you saw Austin and Corey bring beer to the party and you did not drink any? liar.”

She responded,

“I never said I didn't drink?.. And no.. They provided the alcohol.. And Austin does drink I use to be friends with him”

Here’s another one along with the response...

Email entitled; Really?

“you got engaged to Ryan after only 20 days??? You need to get your head examined. You live off of two men and a settlement? I am earning a living the hard way. I am working my ass off. I can't believe you let a stranger move in with you and your kids. there is something wrong with you. grow up”

“Listen buddy idk who the hell u think u r but news flash y don't u try to get a life that's exciting enough that u don't have to worry about what goes on in the lives of others!! I'm sry that u have nothin goin for yourself but its a shame and it happens! Good luck to ya”

This one is about a relationship gone bad...

Email entitled; I hope you learned

“How do you get hooked up with a con artist like Brendon? That guy is bad news. He probably moved back to PA because people are after him. You should have had your uncle break his knee caps. He is a horrible lier.”

“Sure did.., how do you know him? I imagine he owes you money too? someone from PA, emailed me saying he is garbage and he owes the whole city of pittsburg money.., I unfortunately met him from a dating site. Yes, a bit naive... He is definitely a great actor!! He is such a loser. Glad Judge judy made a complete fool of him on national tv.”

This kid stole a moped...

Email entitled; you have a guilty face

“look up if you're going to lie duhmie. You stole the moped, we all know it. Pay Robert his money out of your weed funds and your moms beer money. Moron.”

“(1/2) Hell yea i took it but judge judy paid me to say that i didnt take it so they would have a good show and since i said i didnt take it they paid for him to

(2/2) get a new one” 

This broad got sued for an unpaid loan...

Email entitled; Quit lying

“Erin loaned you the money duhmie, it was not a gift. Rocky is working now so it shouldn't be a problem. Own up to your responsibilities and quit screwing your friends over. You should be ashamed of yourself. I hope you lose clients at your junkass salon for what you did.”

“She got paid. Leave me the fuck alone. I don't even know who u are.”

I really liked the following loser case...

Email entitled; are you serious?

 “You are half retarded. I cannot believe that Katherine dated you. You're not going to college duhmie. You're going to spend your life in prison. You wave at people driving by, in front of tax return business while in a costume??? lol.”

“lol u got jokes hmm whosay she still dont dude leave me alone”

I think it’s funny as shit that these people engage in someone who is being an ass to them and then proceed to defend themselves even after the case is over. Hahahahaha. It is scary however at how easy it is to find a person on these social sites along with very personal information about their families and kids.