Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Outback


I took my mother out to dinner for the hell of it and we went to Outback Steakhouse in Westlake. I talked her into going there because they have the best steaks in town. In reality, there is a broad that works the late shift that I was working on pretty hard, if you know what I mean. She said I have almost no chance in hooking up with her so I’m gonna keep coming back.  

Anyways, my mother walked in to find me already sitting down and asked how long I was there for. “Not long, maybe two hours. I just wanna work up an appetite. How you doin?” 

She had something under her arms.





“What’s that?” 

“A gift” 

“What for?” 

“I picked it up at a county fair” 

She handed me the fuck’n sign and I wasn’t amused.  

“Did that crazy Mike put you up to this shit?” 

“No. Who is crazy Mike?”

“He’s an asshole. Don’t worry about it. Was it Hip?” 

“What?”

“Was he wearing a shirt with his girlfriend’s picture on the front?” 

“No!” 

“Damn, then it wasn’t that fuck’n freak” 

The waitress came around and took our drink order and I looked at the menu in the meantime, pretending to want some food. “The chicken sounds really good tonight, maybe I’ll get that.” Whatever. 

“Mom, you gotta tell me who put you up to this shit because it’s not funny” 

“Let me ask you this, have you been to The Horseshoe lately?” 

“Yes, why? I went the other day with my bridge club” 

“Did you run into a bald, crazy eyed dealer who looks like uncle Fester from the Adams Family?” 

“There was a friendly gentleman like that dealing the blackjack table. Why?” 

“Fuck me mom! Did Brad put you up to this shit?”  

“No! I told you I bought it at the fair! Why are you so upset?” 

“You tell Brad, I’m gonna spill a Corona all over his table the next time I see him!” 

“Thanks for the gift mom. I really don’t lose all my money like people tell you. I really don’t. It’s just that I get unlucky at times and they make me drink a lot more than I want to. Some of them make me smoke weed” 

“Oh Jeff, that’s very disappointing” 

“It’s out of my hands mom. What do you want me to do?” 

“By the way, did Doug poker say anything to you when he came over to look at your furnace?” 

“Who?” 

“You know…the bald, crazy eyed freak like Brad, only a bigger build and with an exposed ass crack.” 

“Your friend Doug? He was a gentleman, be nice” 

“What did he say about me?” 

“Nothing!” 

“No more meeting anybody I know, they are a bad influence on you. How is your steak?” 

“Very good, and your bread?” 

“I’m fuk’n full. Let’s get the fuck out of here.”

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Shazam


Since I don’t have a wife, kids or a girl that will sleep with me for free, I do a lot of things on my own by default, but it can be embarrassing at times. For example, I like going to the movie theatre but dread going up to the ticket counter and buying one ticket to “Finding Nemo 3d” for a 45 year old freak in sneakers and baseball cap. In fact, I was paranoid the day I went to see “Dark Knight Rising” because I would have fit the recently famous, Colorado terrorist M.O. perfectly if I was only wearing a fanny pack.  

Anyways, I like to go out to restaurants a lot and shoot the shit with servers while eating my meal at the bar. One of my favorite restaurants is a Mexican chain called Don Ramos. If you ask me, all Mexican restaurant’s food tastes the same and their establishments look the same so why don’t they just all band together and form a Mexican franchise so they can pool their revenues and not have to worry about trying to be different.  

The servers at these places are by far, the friendliest people I have ever met. You would think I was a high roller at the Horseshoe the way they looked after my every need. They never say no to anything! I am almost tempted to spring on the owner a classic Blues Brothers line, “How much for your daughter?” 

So I went to Don Ramos tonight and I was the only person in the place because they were 30 minutes from closing. Nfl highlights were playing on the big screen but everything was in Spanish. I noticed the music was playing in Spanish and I wondered if my Shazam Iphone app would pick it up. Sure as shit, it did! 

The can of worms is now open! 

Every time an employee walked by, I would make a comment referencing the band as well as the song. 

“Hey amigo, how do you like Grupo G? La Iconforme is an awesome Tune!” 

“How do you know Grupo G?” 

“They rock! Can I have some more queso?” 

Several minutes would go by and another server would walk by. 

“Hey amigo, Roberto Tapia for president! Mirando Al Cielo makes my senorita’s heart melt” 

As soon as I said that, this guy stopped dead in his tracks and looked at me with a bug eyed, deer in the headlights expression. Partly because he was surprised that, that shit came out of my mouth, and partly because I chopped it up so bad. 

I really sounded more like. “hey amiga dude, Roberti tapioca for president! Miranda ill sello makes my sineridiots heart melt” 

Ten minutes later, I walked up to the counter, paid my $6.00 tab and shouted out as loud as possible while pushing open the front door, 

 “Geraldo Ortiz is my hero”