Outback

I took my mother out to dinner for the hell of it and we went to Outback Steakhouse in Westlake. I talked her into going there because they have the best steaks in town. In reality, there is a broad that works the late shift that I was working on pretty hard, if you know what I mean. She said I have almost no chance in hooking up with her so I’m gonna keep coming back.  

Anyways, my mother walked in to find me already sitting down and asked how long I was there for. “Not long, maybe two hours. I just wanna work up an appetite. How you doin?” 

She had something under her arms.

“What’s that?” 

“A gift” 

“What for?” 

“I picked it up at a county fair” 

She handed me the fuck’n sign and I wasn’t amused.  

“Did that crazy Mike put you up to this shit?” 

“No. Who is crazy Mike?”

“He’s an asshole. Don’t worry about it. Was it Hip?” 

“What?”

“Was he wearing a shirt with his girlfriend’s picture on the front?” 

“No!” 

“Damn, then it wasn’t that fuck’n freak” 

The waitress came around and took our drink order and I looked at the menu in the meantime, pretending to want some food. “The chicken sounds really good tonight, maybe I’ll get that.” Whatever. 

“Mom, you gotta tell me who put you up to this shit because it’s not funny” 

“Let me ask you this, have you been to The Horseshoe lately?” 

“Yes, why? I went the other day with my bridge club” 

“Did you run into a bald, crazy eyed dealer who looks like uncle Fester from the Adams Family?” 

“There was a friendly gentleman like that dealing the blackjack table. Why?” 

“Fuck me mom! Did Brad put you up to this shit?”  

“No! I told you I bought it at the fair! Why are you so upset?” 

“You tell Brad, I’m gonna spill a Corona all over his table the next time I see him!” 

“Thanks for the gift mom. I really don’t lose all my money like people tell you. I really don’t. It’s just that I get unlucky at times and they make me drink a lot more than I want to. Some of them make me smoke weed” 

“Oh Jeff, that’s very disappointing” 

“It’s out of my hands mom. What do you want me to do?” 

“By the way, did Doug poker say anything to you when he came over to look at your furnace?” 

“Who?” 

“You know…the bald, crazy eyed freak like Brad, only a bigger build and with an exposed ass crack.” 

“Your friend Doug? He was a gentleman, be nice” 

“What did he say about me?” 

“Nothing!” 

“No more meeting anybody I know, they are a bad influence on you. How is your steak?” 

“Very good, and your bread?” 

“I’m fuk’n full. Let’s get the fuck out of here.”