Thursday, October 25, 2012

If I were To See a Shrink Part II

“Mr. Gray, you seem to have a pretty negative outlook on life. Tell me three things you are grateful for.” 

“Well, for one, nobody has called me out of the blue claiming to be my kid”

“That’s not what I had in mind”

“My ex-wife never found out about my stash while we were still married”

“You hid money from your wife?”

“I’m also grateful that my felony charge got reduced to a disorderly conduct”

“I’m not even going to ask. Let’s move on. Do you consider your self a cultured person?”


“Do you have any friends of different ethnic backgrounds?”

“I’m friends with Chasity”

“That’s great! What is her nationality?”

“I think she is Mexican”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because she’s always drinking my Coronas and after a late night of drinking, she eats at Taco Bell on the way home”

“When is the last time you took a vacation and just got away for a while?”

“Last week I went to Tomon’s cottage in Marblehead

“It’s great that he trusts you enough to use his place for your own use”

“He doesn’t know about it”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I break into it when I know they aren’t going to be there & I hang out for a couple days”

“Oh my gosh! Aren’t you worried about getting caught?”

“Hell ya. I almost did one time when they pulled up to the place while I was inside”

“Did you think they were going to see you run off?”

“No, the room still smelled like weed from the bong I smoked earlier”

“We really have some work to do Mr. Gray”

“Let me ask you this, are you able to get a good nights sleep? Do you have any dreams?”

“I had one the other day”

“Tell me about it”

“It’s actually a reoccurring one. I dream that I go to Julie’s poker tournament and pull behind Scott’s car to block him in. I then take a bucket of cigarette butts & throw them all over her driveway. After that, I pee in her flower bed & then go inside to play cards without washing my hands”

“What do you think is the significance of your dream?”

“It means I hate tournaments”

“You mentioned earlier that you aren’t very active. Are there any outdoor activities you would like to get more involve in?”

“Sure. I like golf, horseshoes, cornhole, canoeing & camping”

“It concerns me that the activities you mentioned are generally in conjunction with alcohol & I don’t think you need any more encouragement than you already have. What about indoor activities?”

“Poker, darts, bowling & billiards”


“Is there anybody in your life who you would like to get to know better?”

“No, but one person I’m not sure I want to know better is Doug Poker”

“Why not?”

“I think he has a lot of skeletons.”

“You mean he has a lot of dark secrets?”

“No. I think he has bodies buried in his back yard.”

“His girlfriend Kirsten treats people with sleep disorders but I think she is the one with the disorder.”

“Why do you say that?”

“I think she is too petrified to close her eyes at night when he is in the same room. I heard that the only time she sleeps is when she goes to her patients homes”

“How does she manage that?”

“Well, she hooks them up to all these monitors to measure their REM sleep cycles. As soon as they get to stage three, she’s out like a light.”

“Is there anybody in your life who you would like to trade places with?”

“Before my buddy Brad got a job, I wanted to be him.”

“What was so great about his life?”

“He lived in his parent’s house & his day consisted of six things.”

“What was that?”

“Waking, baking, eating, shitting, surfing & napping.”

“That’s no way to live your life.”

“The hell it isn’t.”

“Our time is up & I need to regroup. We will meet again next week Mr. Gray.”

To be continued…

1 comment: