If I were to see a Shrink Part I

The other day I was in a funk and wondered how the conversation would go if I were to see a shrink. Here’s how I see it playing out…

“Hello Mr. Gray, what brings you here today?”

“I don’t know, I’m fuck’n pissed off all the time”

“I’m sorry to hear that. Maybe I can help. Let’s start off with a little background information first?”

“What do you like do in your spare time?”

“Drink beer and play poker”

“Ummm, alright. What else?”

“That’s it.”

“Why don’t you tell me about your friends. Who do you like to hang out with?”

“Well, they aren’t really my friends. We just get together so I can try & take their money, and they like inviting me over to get my money, especially after having a beer or twelve”

“Is there anybody you like to do things with outside of cards?”

“Krazy Mike is alright. The only thing is, he likes to go to these concerts & watch really, really old fucks play music. Do you know who Peter Frampton is?”

“Isn’t he dead?”

“Exactly, but no.”

“What else to you two do?”

“Whatever it is, we can’t be riding in the car for a long time”

“Why is that?”

“If I hear ‘I Can’t Explain’ or’ Pinball Wizard’ one more time, I’ll clock him. Short drives minimize that from happening”

“Do you have any girlfriends”

“No”

“Any girls in your card group you like?”

“KTina seems cool, but it just wouldn’t work out”

“Why is that?”

“Because she doesn’t drive”

“I don’t see why that should be an issue”

“I’m not gonna haul her dead ass all over town every day. Most of the time, I’m the one that needs a driver! Just last week I needed a ride to the store after polishing off an eighteen pack and couldn’t find anybody to take me”

“What did you need at the store?”

“More beer duhmie”

“Is there anybody in your circle of friends you can confide in?”

“Well, if you asked me that a year ago, I would have said TK. Not any more”

“What changed?”

“He has a fuck’n raised garden”

“I don’t follow you”

“I think he’s gay”

“How does a garden make someone gay?”

“He posts pictures on Facebook of all the shit that he grows”

“And?...”

“The last post he was showing off all the long, thick, dark carrots that, in his own words, took him two hands to pull out of the ground. I’m really thinking of dfriending him.”

“Do you do anything that would be considered a physical activity?”

“Hell no”

“Maybe that should be something to consider. Do you have any friends that play sports or are active in any way?”

“Well, there’s Nautica Brian, but that wouldn’t work out either.”

“Why not?”

“Because I refuse to be friends with Forrest Gump. All that fucker does is run!”

“This is more difficult than I anticipated. Do you have any friends that you met outside of poker. Somebody you might have a different bond with?”

“I knew JASE1 before poker. There is no way in hell I can hang out with that guy”

“I can’t wait to hear this. Go on”

“That fucker has every thug & low life in town out for his ass. He corners them into outrageously high interest loans & then repo’s their cars when they miss a payment. I’m not gonna get caught up in the cross fire when they come after him through the back entrance of a bar with baseball bats. No siree”

“Is there anybody in your group who you consider a mentor. Somebody you would turn to for their expert opinion. Maybe for legal advice, for example?”

“There is this broad by the name of Jen but it would have to be very limited topics”

“What is the problem there?”

“She’s a Feminazi. You know, a man hater”

“I don’t think that’s a very nice thing to say”

“The woman is a divorce attorney! It’s us versus them! In fact, I could have sworn I heard her whisper something under her breath one time while playing cards. It really got me upset too”

“What was that?”

She said, “I wish I knew your wife back in the day when she was looking for an attorney”

“Well, I find that hard to believe”

“I’m just saying”

“There must be somebody you know who you could just sit on a couple lawn chairs with & shoot the breeze, right?”

“There is somebody like that & his name is Tom D.V. but sitting on lawn chairs is ALL we can do”

“What do you mean?”

“That guy has no money! In fact, he is so broke that homeless people throw change at him!”

“Oh boy”

To be continued…